Heart Fades to Black

Chapter 8: A Nice Cup of Tea

That evening, we had a little front go through that dumped about a quarter-meter of snow on us before dropping the temperature below zero. Typically, the first warning I got of inclement weather was Wowser sleeping next to my chest, and so it was that morning. Little fellow had known for some time how to let himself in (how, I'd never discovered) and I really didn't mind it. Neither did Karen. She never kicked when she woke up to find him curled up all warm and toasty between us. She loved him as much as I did - about her only lapse from her usual unsentimental behavior was her almost Popuri-ish habit of cradling him in her lap and pouring some pretty intense baby-talk all over him. Which he just lapped up. To me it was a good sign, a sign that there were some maternal instincts in her that would be turned to their natural uses when our little ones started coming along.

I was feeling optimistic that morning. While squaring the chickens away (she'd warned me on leaving the night before that she'd probably not show up to do it herself,) I was telling myself that it was just a matter of time before Karen would come back with a 'yes, let's get married.' And knowing her, she'd want to do the thing as soon as possible once she'd made up her mind to do it. She rarely second-guessed her decisions.

So I got to thinking that why should I bother waiting for her formal acceptance to prepare for the wedding? Well, it wasn't like I was planning to reserve the chapel or anything like that, but there was one thing that badly needed doing that I could get started on - cutting the legal bond between myself and the pink-haired slut. It was something, I mused, that I should have done long before.

So, early morning found me crunching through the new snow on my way to the Inn so I could get on the horn with our family's lawyer. Aside from the mails, the phone in the Inn was the only communications channel we had with the outside world. Something I was resolving to change in the near future. I mean, the simple life was peaceful and satisfying all right - I didn't miss having tens of thousands of TV channels - but not even having a phone in my house? That was carrying the rustic thing too far. There'd be some efforts towards bringing Erehwon into the 21st century the next year if I had anything to say about it. Me and that half-mil Karen and I would be sitting on.

Well, as it turned out, I'd set out for the Inn too early and walked too fast, because I went in the door well before the start of normal city business hours. Which left me with time on my hands before I could make my call. I really didn't think that hearing a message on her machine to the effect of 'Hi, this is Jack and I need a quickie divorce!' was what that stodgy old lady needed to start the morning. She didn't even know I was married! Heck, she probably didn't even know I'd been on the family farm that year! Nah, best to wait until she got in and then have a nice 'catch up on things' chat before getting down to business.

Which left me with the little matter of that time on my hands. I thought about chowing down, but my frugality stopped me from ordering breakfast. As good as the Inn's food was, I thought it overpriced. And I could cook all the usual breakfast standards almost as well as Doug or Ann could. In fact I was getting to be a pretty good cook - damn good thing with Karen not able to boil water without setting it on fire - and I was already plotting a coup d'etat for the Cooking Festival the next year in the form of a secret casserole recipe of my mom's that I'd adapted to the locally available produce.

Well, once I figured I had an hour or so to burn, I found myself wanting to talk to Cliff real bad. Talk to him about Karen, that is. I wasn't sure how much practical advice he could give me. After all, I was more experienced in marriage than he was. When I'd confided in him about Popuri, I'd always been looking for advice on how to run an undercover affair - which he'd been pleased as punch to give me, of course. But practical or not, I still wanted to talk to him about Karen. I mean, it was Cliff, the best buddy I had in the village. Of course I wanted to talk to him.

I'd gotten to the Inn about his breakfast time - he was typically a late riser - and was steeling myself to be minimally polite to Ann for his sake should I find the two of them chowing down together. In case they weren't breaking fast together, I had a few spa-boiled eggs in my backpack that I'd split with him. I knew he loved the things - hell, most of the villagers did, which is why I'd formed the habit of carrying a few of them around at all times. Never know when you might need to butter someone up, you see.

I waved to Doug (who distractedly nodded back, ) ran up the stairs, started to knock on his door - and stopped and stood there grinning from ear to ear. Evidently Cliff was indulging in a little morning delight that didn't involve eggs and pastries, because issuing from behind that door were the unmistakable sounds of passion.

Ha! So, the Cliff-man had finally gotten the red-headed foghorn's legs uncrossed. Like they say, persistence pays off in the end. After briefly indulging in uncharitable hopes that he was putting her to some rather demanding and humiliating uses, I decided to leave the lovebirds to their own devices and crept quietly back down the stairs.

But when I got to the foot of the stairs, I found out that all was not as it seemed. In particular, my ears were assaulted by Ann's characteristic screeching emanating from the kitchen.

"Dad! Was that six or nine orders of home fries you wanted?!"

"Six! Unless Jack here..." he looked at me questioningly "...is staying for breakfast."

I must have looked real stupid and confused as I shook my head 'no.' Seeing as Ann was not the kind of person who could be in two places at the same time, I was totally puzzled as to who Cliff was playing 'hide the salami' with. The village wasn't exactly overrun with available young things. Had one of our rare tourists come in the night before without me hearing of it, and was she allowing Cliff to act as her special tour guide?

'Curiosity killed the cat.' What a tired old cliché! But there's a lot of truth in it. Ill considered curiosity got the best of me and I crept back up the stairs to Cliff's room and put my ear to his door. And I found out who he was doing the dirty with, OK. They'd just finished up and were engaging in the usual post-mission debrief.

"Cliffie sweetie, that was just awesome."

"Yes, wasn't it, darlin'."

Karen! Freaking little miss 'I need some time to make up my mind'! Apparently she did her best thinking flat on her back and legs in the air. Karen! Were all the women in the village low-down cheating sluts? Karen!

I was about this far from busting down the door and beating the stuffing out of the both of them. Way I am these days, I'd do it, too. Like how I'd sent that Marla bitch to the ER a few years ago. Her doctor's bills and hush money had cost me a fair wad of dough but it had been worth every G of it. But then...well, I think I've already referred to the wimpiness that was part of my makeup in those days. Not that I was afraid of mixing it up with either of them, mind you. Well, not Cliff anyways - I'm sure I could have smeared him into the ground PDQ. Karen might have been a harder row to hoe, for all I know, she would have just danced around dodging every punch I threw and delivering some well placed kicks in the process.

No, as ticked off as I was, mayhem just wasn't in me. I slunk down the stairs and shuffled back towards Erehwon with my hands in my pockets. Usually, however I felt, I tried to put on a cheerful public face - it was part of the persona I was projecting. Then, I didn't bother. I must have had a 'are you looking at me?' air about me because the few people I passed gave me startled glances before deciding not to prod the sleeping bear by greeting me.

Not that I much noticed them. I was deep in discussion with that dark side of mine who had come out of cold storage and was taunting me something fierce. With a purpose, as it turned out.

"Follow your heart, boy? Yeah, you do that very thing. You'll get it broken every single time too."

"Copy that."

"So, what are you going to do about it? Just work off your gronkiness chopping up some wood, then pretend it didn't happen? Or have you had enough of getting fooled by these country whores? Maybe you'd like to be a man for a change and even the score a little?"

"What are you getting at?"

"What I'm talking about is that sweetest seven letter word in the language. R-E-V-E-N-G-E.

"I'm listening."

"OK, she cheated on us. For all we know, she's done it before and likely will do it again. That relieves us of all obligations to her."

"I'm still listening."

"Hell, boy, do I have to spell it out for you? She's gettin' some on the side, so...so should we! It's party time!"

"A bit immature, don't you think? How 'bout just blacking her eye?/"

"I think you just went through that plan and called it a no-go. Time to consider plan B."

And we did. And ran up against a technical problem - who would the 'lucky' lady be? As I'd observed before, available young women were pretty scarce in Mineral Village. In fact, I could count them on the fingers of one hand with plenty of room left over.

There was Ann. She would seem the logical choice - there would be a pleasing symmetry in doing Cliff's squeeze and a pretty good friend of Karen's at the same time. A hole in one, so to speak. But I had to say nay. Ann was about my least favorite person in the village - even if I was over Popuri (mostly - I'd fibbed a little to Karen about that,) I wasn't forgiving her for facilitating her recoupling to Kai. My pride was involved, you see. So, the idea of Ann in the raw so repulsed me that I didn't think I could rise to the occasion, if you get my drift. And to get practical, even if I could perform with her, who was to say I'd get the opportunity. I mean, was I going to succeed in uncrossing the legs that even master swordsman Cliff had failed to budge? In my dreams!

Besides, you're gonna think me loopy for saying this, but once my initial rage had passed, I really wasn't that mad at Cliff. I mean, it's just the way the guy was - his future preference horizon could be measured in milliseconds. Whenever he saw something good, he grabbed for it and sorted out - or ran from - the consequences later. It's one of the things I liked about him, a completely different take on life from my incessant and compulsive planning. That I'd just been the victim of it seemed more like a natural catastrophe than an act of malice. Might as well take it personally when a hurricane carries off your sweet corn.

So I dismissed Ann and moved on to Elli. Another unlikely candidate - Elli, the original Miss Priss herself. She was firmly in the camp of that faction of villagers who looked in the dictionary for 'immoral city scum' and found my picture illustrating the entry. I mean, she wouldn't even be alone in the same room with me. Whenever I went into the clinic for something, she'd call for the doctor as soon as I came in the door, and he'd come out and just stand there glaring at me until I finished up my business and left.

And there was a practical consideration right there. She and the doctor were quite the ticket. Everyone knew it was only a matter of time before they'd do that long march down the chapel aisle together (it happened a year and a half afterwards, I heard.) So, making any kind of move on Elli would likely not improve the guy's already dour mood. I was a healthy guy, but you can't depend on that forever and did I really want to take the risk of being under the care of a physician who hated my guts for good and sound reasons? No thank you.

And besides, she wasn't of the physical type to inspire my passionate nature either. If Karen was too thin, and Popuri was just right, then Elli was too fat. Not grossly obese mind you, but certainly a few kilos on the heavy side of 'pleasingly plump.' She didn't pay any attention to her own warnings about prevention - just about any time you saw her, she was stuffing her face with something sweet and sticky. And here's a tip for you weight-conscious girlies - going to the beach once a week to lie in the sun and dip your feet in the water does not constitute an adequate exercise regime.

And in dismissing Elli...well, I was out of available young things. As I kept shuffling through town, I grumped to Mr. Darkside, "OK, got any other bright ideas?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. Look over to your right. What do you see?"

I looked. "The winery. What? You want a drink? Or two? Or a dozen? I'm game."

"C'mon, keep your eye on the ball and save that stuff for later. You know who lives there, right?"

"Is that a trick question? Sure I do. Duke and..." And then I saw what he was getting at. And I also thought he'd been getting into Mary's magic mushrooms.

"...Manna? Manna? You're freakin' crazy!"

"Am not. There's our candidate. She was hot for us, you know."

"'Was' is the operative word there, pal. She hates our guts now."

"Shoot, just because I got off a friendly little insult at her doesn't queer the deal for life. After all, the objective factors still obtain. Duke's still as sodden - and thus presumably as impotent - as ever. We've still got the kind of bod that makes her weak in the knees - and more to the point, weak a little higher up, too. She's offended with us? Well boy, you'll just have to put her in the focus of that million watt smile and turn on the old charm with her. It's what you're good at. Piece of cake, I betcha."

"You're still crazy! She's old! She's old enough to be our mother - check - she's older than our mom would be. She's gotta be on the dark side of 50. That's disgusting!"

He leered. "That's not old, that's middle-aged. And you know what they say about middle-aged women, they can be hot as hell. 'Specially when they ain't gettin' any at home. Betcha she could show us some tricks these twenty-something girlies never even heard of!"

He was starting to pique my interest. But I was still skeptical. "But...but, Karen absolutely hates her, you know."

"And that's an argument against it?"

"Yeah it is. If she found out, the explosion would be in the high kiloton range. I don't want to be in the same state with her when that happens."

"Now how's she gonna find out? You gonna tell her? And Manna would keep her yap shut about it for the first time in her life - 'cause Duke'd beat the crap out of her if he found out. The thing's safe - strictly on the QT. Anyway, you scared of Karen, boy?"

I nodded yes. "And you better be too, if you're smart."

"Wuss. Look, boy, you really gonna let her keep our family jewels on her leash while she reserves the free and easy option for herself? Thought you didn't like double standards!"

"Well...uh..."

"Look boy, you're so squeamish about it - just let me handle the heavy lifting and you just stand back and watch. But I am going to need your help at the start. Now, here's how we're going to pull this thing off..."

I listened as he outlined his plan. Considered purely as a scheme for a little afternoon revenge dalliance, it had much to commend it. Which is why I ultimately signed on. You see, Karen and Cliff's little thingie had me so upset that I wasn't thinking straight - specifically, I wasn't thinking about longer term consequences. Which, given my luck that year, would inevitably ensue.

That winter, Manna had changed her afternoon routine. Before, a little after noon, she'd headed right into Rose Square from the winery for her traditional gossip session with Anna and Sasha. But with Anna away convalescing and Sasha not willing to give her the time of day anymore on account of how Manna had targeted her daughter with high powered muck throwing, the thing had been called off. Now, Manna dropped in on Lillia in the early afternoon. Which took her right past my gate a little after noon each day. She'd always stepped fast past Erehwon, face averted and nose in the air which had suited me to a T. But that day, things were going to change and I was going to be the agent of change.

Manna kept right to her schedule. A little bit after noon I saw her leave her house and head down the path towards Erehwon and farm row. That the weather was a bit nippy didn't stop me from executing my plan - I hurriedly doffed my shirt, hefted my axe and launched into fiercely cutting up some brush next to the fence running along farm row.

As cold as it was, I'd already worked up a good sweat by the time she'd gotten to where I was standing. I paused, turned the 'charming smile' knob up to 10 and greeted her, "Good morning, Manna. You're looking fine today." Which just earned me a sour look and dead silence as she passed.

I kept the glow on my face as I went on. "Manna, how have you been doing these days?" This time, her glare was poisonous and she started walking a little faster. 'kay - I saw I had to work for it. I started walking fast alongside the fence until I caught up to her.

"Manna! Hey Manna! Wait up, huh?"

At that, she did stop, turn and speak. Very harshly.

"What is it? What do you want?"

"Just being neighborly. Wanted to talk to you a bit."

"Oh yes? Perhaps you wanted to try out another one of your delightful little sayings on me? Well, you can just go to..."

"Manna, actually I've felt very bad about that ever since I said it." It was time to put on that sorrowful eyed puppy-dog look. "I didn't really mean it and I've been real sorry since that happened." Then a quick change of expression to that confidential look. "You see, you caught me in a real foul mood - Karen and I had been quarreling that morning, I was missing Popuri something fierce and...well, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I was immature and I was wrong. I'm really sorry."

Her expression had cranked down to being merely cross. "Well, you should learn to watch your tongue. Both you and that horrid girl you've taken up with."

"You're right, of course. Uh...Karen's been giving you a hard time about that, right?" She nodded grimly. "Well, I'm sorry about that also - you see, I had to tell her something. Someone might have been watching and if it'd gotten back to her, there'd have been hell to pay. You know what her temper is like." She nodded again and I put on a sympathetic expression. "Actually, I tried to help you out there. She was all hot to drag your name through the mud all around the village. I spent an hour persuading her to just keep it between you two. I wanted her to drop it altogether - 'no harm, no foul' is my motto - but that was the best I could do."

By this time, her expression was vaguely friendly. "Well, I guess you did what you could. You see, she really is difficult."

I laughed briefly. "Don't I know it! Should have listened to you there. It's been getting pretty intense lately. So...uh...again, I'm really sorry about all that and I'd like to bury the hatchet with you." I gave her wistful look as I offered her my hand. "Friends?"

She took it. "Friends." I gave her hand a quick squeeze as we let go, and then she looked at me more carefully as I shouldered my axe and used the movement as an excuse to do some muscle flexing. I saw it reflected in her eyes - it was definitely a nibble.

"But Jack, what are you doing out half-naked in this weather? Aren't you freezing?"

I put on just a hint of a suggestive expression. "Actually, I was getting myself real hot swingin' this big ol' tool around."

She looked startled at my choice of words, then broke out into the kind of giggling that teenies do when talking naughty. A solid nibble.

I nodded over at the brush. "You see, when I cleave bushes like that, I stroke hard and I stroke deep."

Now her sly giggling was uncontrollable. "I'll just bet you do. I imagine that none of them can resist your vigor." On the hook! It was time to reel her in.

"You got it!" I returned her sly grin with a wink thrown in. "But you're right, I am getting cold standing out here. Say, you going anywhere in a hurry? Why don't you join me for a nice cup of tea? I know this great recipe - blue grass for relaxation, honey for sweetness and just a touch of red grass to stimulate and get the blood flowing. How 'bout it? A couple of new friends sharing some hot fluid?"

"Why, I think that would be perfectly delightful, Jack. Thank you." Watching her aft side sway as she pneumatically stepped her way through the gate informed me that Karen wasn't the only woman in the village who had the feral feline pose down pat.

Well, once we were inside my house it took all of 17 minutes (yes I surreptitiously timed it - I was curious) for us to go from sharing hot tea and double entendres to groping each other while swapping spit to climbing into bed together buck-naked. We hurriedly worked through the configuration and alignment checklist and then got hard docked in a jiffy. And oh my goodness, I should have known that the village motormouth would also have been quite the vocalizer in the old sack. In fact, she was so loud that neither of us heard Karen come in until we noticed her standing over the bed screaming.

Well, Manna may have been a great fan of domestic dramas, but she apparently preferred being a chronicler over being a participant. I'll give her this, she was sure quick for a fifty-something - at the first sound of Karen's shrieking, she'd turned white as a sheet, decoupled and dove for cover under the blankets lickety-split. Myself...well I was sticking around for awhile. I figured things couldn't have come out any better if I'd planned them that way. If revenge was sweet, I was sucking on a giant sugar tit just at that moment. I sprawled out on my back, hands resting under my head, showing her both my magnificence and the most self-satisfied grin I could muster. Did I mention that she looked totally enraged? She sounded that way too.

"Jack, what the fuck are you doing?!"

I maintained my grin. "About the same as what you were doing with Cliff, I should think."

"You pervert! I don't do that!" She had walked in on us in an especially compromising position. Then she caught herself and showed a flash of uneasy guilt. "What do you mean 'with Cliff'...?"

"Ah, come on sweetie - you think I don't drop in unannounced on my best buddy? The way you two were going at it this morning, you're lucky Ann didn't hear it and come after you with a carving knife. As for me, I'm an easy-going guy. I just figure that what's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose." I reached over and patted Manna's butt. "Right, honey?"

Karen must have believed that the best defense is a good offense, as her fury came back. "But with Manna! That's as low as it gets!" She squinted at the quivering blankets, then forcefully swept them back to reveal Manna curled up in the fetal position shaking like a leaf. Karen reached down, grabbed her hair and pulled her up until they were face to face.

"Why, hello Manna! Fancy meeting you here! Doing a little poaching on my territory?! Or should I say cradle robbing?"

I objected, "Hey, I'm 24 you know!"

"Shut up, you!" She turned her focus back to Manna. "Well, don't be thinking you're going to get away with this one - it's not going to go as easy for you as when you were giving the pastor French lessons in the confessional."

Goodness gracious, the things you can learn listening in on a catfight.

Her tone turned poisonously sweet. "Won't the whole village be surprised to hear what the defender of our traditional values is up to? What do you think Duke will do when he learns that his dear wife is not only a slut, but a pervert slut?"

She apparently did have some idea - I didn't think her face could have gotten any paler, but it did. Karen pushed her back down on the bed - her again retreating under the covers - then turned her attention back to me, spitting out a long string of most inelegant and unladylike expletives while I just kept smirking like a world-class jerk.

"Karen, relax already! You're gonna lose your looks early if you don't learn how to unwind. Say, why don't you slip out of those clothes and come on over here and I'll show you how we get neighborly in the city. Little thing we call a three-way."

"You are a pervert! Well, don't be thinking that I'm going to get between the sheets with you again!" She headed for the door. "Manna, you can keep him! Jack, you can take that blue feather and jam it up your ass! Sideways!" And she roared out of the room slamming the door behind her so hard that it actually did come off its hinges.

For some reason, after that pleasant little visit Manna was no longer in the mood for love. We hurriedly got dressed - her already having that hunted look on her face - and I stuck my head out the door and signaled her when nobody was within eyeshot of the farm. I figured that concealment was pointless with Karen lusting to get even by spreading the news far and wide but hey, it's the thought that counts, right? She made for the mountainside path like a shot and vanished into the woods around Gotz's place. I then went back in the house, kicked back in bed...and laughed my damn fool butt off.

The old Jack - that nice, sweet fool of a boy - was appalled at what had just happened. But I figured it was long past time for a showdown with that punk.

"What on earth did you think you were doing? Now she's never gonna marry us..."

"Damn good thing too. Wise up, boy. You didn't learn anything from Popuri? You want us to get hitched to another cheating slut? Well, I'm calling a halt to the proceedings right now."

"But Karen's different, she's a beautiful person - we're so right together. She just slipped up once because she was disturbed about Mary..."

"Been there, done that. You made similar excuses for Popuri. Hell boy, you groveled on your knees before her and she just laughed in our face and left anyways. Enough already! I'm gonna put a little pride back into this life - and you can just get in the back seat 'cause I'm driving now."

"No you're not! You're heartless and mean. You'll screw up our life..."

"And you haven't? You know how much we've always wanted to take up farming, right? Your niceness and sweetness got us stuck working this place and sucking up to a bunch of lazy greedy hicks." I sneered, "Hell, boy, the only chance you had was with Mary. She would have re-enforced all that squishy softness in us by turning us into a nice domesticated husband, farmer, and pillar of the community. And you blew it! You turned your back on her for that pink plush toy. Once you did that, we were playing on my field. And now Mary's gone and she's not coming back! Game over."

I laughed, "Heartless? The world is a heartless place. Get with the program. Mean? Nice guys finish last. And I'm sick of losing - I'm going for the gold from now on and you can just butt out!"

He raised a few more dumb objections before I finally shut him up - figuratively pulled his nose and kicked him in the rear. I didn't kill off the poor wimp, however. I've kept him around - on a tight leash. Sometimes he's useful in helping to figure people out and in putting on a pleasant front to get them off their guard while I'm working something on them. But ever since, I've been in control. And I'm a better man for it.

I continue to grin while sprawled out in my bed. I'd figured I'd finally grown up and that nobody would ever take advantage of me again - at least not without paying high for the privilege.

Jack the wimp was dead - long live Jack!