Heart Fades to Black
Chapter 6: Comfort and Consolation
Yeah, the dirt on Karen and I got spread around the village in record time, OK. I started feeling the effects of that incident right away. Even before noon, Rick had stormed onto Erehwon, shoved his face into mine and subjected me to one of the nastiest cussing-outs I've ever endured. He was so incoherent with rage that I couldn't rightly figure out what had him upset more - that I had cheated on his sister (if cheating is really what you'd fairly call it) or that I'd done it with Karen.
I hadn't wanted to fight with him, but let's face it - after getting dumped by my wife and enduring my second killer hangover in three days, I was in no condition to be sweet and reasonable. I was shouting curses right back at him in no time, and yeah, I suppose that remark to the effect of 'I don't owe your fucking whore of a sister a damn thing!' was particularly unfortunate. I'm still amazed that we didn't come to blows, but the final face-off hurt worse than fists would have.
"There ain't nothing between us and you anymore Jack! Only time I ever want to see your face again at our place is business - and business only!"
"Suits me just fine, brother. Ditto for you and Erehwon. Now get the hell off my land! Wowser, sic him!"
He was too sweet a dog to bite anyone of course, but Rick didn't know that. He double-timed it through the gate spitting venom over his shoulder. For the rest of my days in Mineral Village, Rick and I only had the most cursory dealings over poultry supplies. And as Lillia was continually bedridden after Popuri left, I never saw her again.
So much for family ties.
I don't know which felt worse, Rick's heated hostility or Jeff and Sasha's cold disapproval. When I dropped into the General Store that afternoon (I didn't have a choice, I really needed fall seeds,) Jeff's face was a fixed mask. He didn't show me any overt anger - he couldn't afford to, my being his best cash customer by far - but he didn't say one word to me that wasn't required for the exchange of goods and money. I could see the door to their living quarters open a crack and I kind of got the impression of a bun of blonde hair and ice-green eyes balefully regarding me - but she didn't come out and confront me. As there was no practical reason for Sasha to have any dealings with me, she actively avoided me from that day on. I don't believe we ever exchanged another word.
Goodness, how people can surprise you with that dark side they show when they disapprove of you. While I was in town, I thought it might do me some good to drop in on Pastor Carter for some soothing words and a little prayer. Man, did I call that one wrong. He was standing at the altar practicing a sermon as I went it, and the moment he looked at me I could see that that vaguely New-Agey acolyte of a loving God of forgiveness had given way to a thundering Old Testament moralist. Glaring down at me from that altar, he started right in on my case without preliminaries.
"Jack! The Book doesn't say 'thou shalt not commit adultery unless she does it first!' The law of God is not a commercial contract! There are no escape clauses!"
OK, OK, I wasn't about to say that my actions with Karen were totally proper. But did he have to be so...condemning about it all? I mean, our sins are supposed to be forgiven, right? Wasn't it his job to tell me that rather than trying to make me feel worse than I already did with all that stuff about repentance and atonement?
Well, young as I was in those days, there was no way I was going to talk back to a preacher - even one who I thought was full of beans - so I stood there for a while and let his stern words go in one ear and out the other. Eventually he got past the wind-up and on to the pitch.
"Jack, you are at this very instant sliding down that slippery slope to hell! If you want to escape your earned fate - you'd better get in that confessional right now, get down on your knees and get right with God!"
In response, I just gave him the usual evasions that I'd think about what he was saying and get back to him on it real soon. He was still ranting as I let the chapel door close behind me on the way out.
"You hang over the fiery pit suspended by a slender thread! When it breaks, it will be too late to mend..."
Sheesh. You'd have thought it was still the 17th century or something. Hadn't he heard that we've gotten beyond all that stuff in this modern world of ours?
Please don't get the idea that I'm viewing myself as nothing but the poor innocent victim of self-righteous country folk. Some of the breaking off of ties with people in Mineral Village was on my own initiative. Like when I went into the Inn, drew Ann aside and had a nice little private interview.
"Ann, I've got just one question and I want a simple straight answer. What part did you play in all this?"
The sweat was beading on her forehead as she took in my stony gaze and folded arms.
"Well...I...OK, Jack, I did let her go up and visit Kai. She wanted to talk to him...just talk, she said."
"Under the circumstances, and from what you know of her, you submit that that was a good idea?"
"All right, Jack, all right - I'll admit that I thought there was a chance that they would...ah...become intimate. But Jack, I already knew that Dad was going to make him leave. I thought at worst it'd just be a 'one last time before we part forever' kind of thing."
"You planned it out pretty well it seems; getting Cliff out of the way like that. A regular 'little Miss fix-it-up' you are."
Her voice became plaintive in response to my hardening glare. "But Jack, I didn't think it'd get this far! I didn't think she'd leave with him! I'm going to miss her too - she's my best friend here! You've got to believe me - I didn't think it'd come to this!"
She kept pleading like that for a bit while I collected myself.
"Ann, from this moment on, you and I are strangers..."
"Jack! Don't be like that!"
"...strangers! Oh, I'll continue to sell you eggs and vegetables, because I understand that I have to do business impartially in this place. But here inside" I thumped my chest "where I live, there's no one home for you anymore. So just keep your distance and leave me alone!"
And I turned on my heel and strode out of the Inn ignoring her protests.
Breaking up with friends isn't so hard to do after all.
Like I said, I don't want anyone to get the idea that I saw myself as the most misunderstood, persecuted guy that ever was. I figured that Karen was getting it a lot worse than I was - that double standard will never really die. When Cliff and I had a chat that afternoon - both of us implicitly agreeing not to bring up the touchy topic of Ann - I got an example of it that he'd witnessed.
Her courage and fierce loyalty to her friends was admirable - even if her judgment was sometimes wanting. The way he told the story, Duke came in the store and confronted her about our night together with her parents and several other people looking on, and she brazened it out so as to put as much of the onus on herself as possible. She fixed him with her coldest, hardest stare and answered, "Yeah, I did it. I got him drunk out of his mind and then I seduced him. So what business is it of yours? It's only between him and me and maybe Popuri if she ever comes back - so you can just...well, you know what you can do!"
Well! I wasn't going to let her get away with that. I mean, the nerve of that woman, trying to take all the credit for herself. Didn't I - the man - deserve the lion's share? That's how I saw it, anyways, and that evening in the Inn I grabbed for it. I plopped myself down at the bar within easy earshot of where Duke was sitting, and started in on Doug with my best 'we're both men of the world' attitude while accepting a cup.
"Doug, I don't know why you haven't cut Karen off long ago. That girl simply cannot hold her liquor. Heh. Talk about easy pickings. I don't think she had the slightest idea of where she was and what she was doing when I got her to my place." I smirked. "Well, that was just right for my purposes.
"Almost paid for it the next morning. When she opened her eyes, she bolted straight upright and started screaming. 'How did I get here?! Jack, you didn't?! You bastard!'" I laughed cynically. "Man, I thought she was gonna start slapping me around something wicked, but she just grabbed her clothes and ran for the bathroom. Well, she cooled off a little and hightailed it for home PDQ. She ain't as tough as she acts. Guess I taught her a thing or two about how us city guys handle business!"
Doug didn't say much to that, and Duke was pretending he didn't hear a thing, but I knew he was taking in every word. Karen and I had kind of been avoiding each other that day, but the next morning we ran into each other at the Goddess pond and I found out that my little fiction had gotten around OK.
She looked at me with amusement. "Jack, you didn't have to do that. It was totally sweet of you, though."
"And you didn't have to do what you did, either. And that was totally gutsy of you."
"Well, it seemed like the thing to do at the time." She broke out laughing. "You're right, life sure is funny. Here we both are trying to take the exclusive blame for something we both wanted to do!"
"Look at it this way - our stories are so far apart that nobody knows what to believe now. Keep 'em guessing, that's my motto."
"Which means they won't stop talking about it."
"Does that bother you a lot?" She shook no. "Well, me neither. I'm getting some of your attitude now - who cares what they think? If they can't take a joke, to hell with 'em!" I got a tentative look. "Say, are you and I still pals?"
"The best."
"Well then, how about this - why avoid each other? Let's be pals out in the open. How could it make things any worse? Let's rub their noses in it and let 'em think what they want. You game?"
"Sure." She started laughing again. "They'll drive themselves crazy trying to figure out where we're doing it! Jack, we're terrible, aren't we?"
"Yeah, I'm just a plain ordinary bastard."
Now she was laughing hard. "And I'm nothing but a cold, hard bitch."
"So, uh, why don't we get together at the Inn tonight and have a few. Toast our new friendship - one sleeze to another."
She almost fell down laughing. "I'll drink to that!"
And so started the strangest relationship of my life. Karen and I met at the Inn that evening - staked out our territory at the far end of the bar and noisily called for wine, which attracted hostile stares from the other patrons. Doug was frankly antsy about us being there together.
"Uh, you two really think this is a good idea..."
I cut him off. "Doug, it's your place. Sell us booze or kick us out - it's your decision. But save the moralizing for Sunday meeting, OK?" He served us. Money talks and...well, you know the rest of it.
The bond between us was simple enough to state - two people with badly broken hearts who had a lot of natural liking and sympathy for each other. That we were both becoming pariahs in the village just served to push us together harder into that strong (and unhealthy) 'us against the world' alliance. And a common love for boozing - a recently acquired enthusiasm in my case - rounded it out.
We didn't get as totally trashed as we had that first night, but we got a lot further than simply getting a mild buzz on. We set our pattern pretty quickly - spend several hours together in the evening talking and drinking at our reserved end of the bar (Karen's cold glare and sharp tongue kept people away better than any bouncer would have.) Afterwards we'd stagger...uh...walk together down to the beach, talk some more, make out a little, then I'd take her home. Her home, that is. Despite what everyone thought, we weren't sleeping together. I'll explain that in due course.
Actually, the villagers' 'shunning' treatment had pretty much reached maximum intensity and things were about to turn around - kind of. In fact, I can tell you right when I touched bottom. I went to church that Sunday as was my habit, figuring that had to be some kind of haven from the storm that was blowing over me. I should have known better. Right after the first hymn, Pastor Carter ignited and lifted off.
"Friends. Before I start this week's sermon, there is a pressing matter we need to attend to." He pointed right at me. "There in our midst sits an unrepentant sinner - an adulterer and a fornicator - whose very soul is in danger. Jack! I want you right now to stand up before us, confess your sins and beg forgiveness! Do it right now - tomorrow may be too late!"
For Pete's sake! Enough was enough. I stood up and said my piece all right.
"People, I may or may not have reason to ask forgiveness of God. But I'll be damned if I'm going to grovel before the lot of you!"
And I stomped right out of that church. For the rest of my days in the village, I only set foot in that place once more.
Getting humiliated in public like that was a cusp in my attitude about a number of things. First thing was I no longer felt like I owed those people my efforts on Erehwon. Cliff had been right when he'd told me long before that I was wasting my youth on strangers. Besides, with people in the village as disapproving of me at that it just might not have mattered that they felt they needed my efforts on the farm. That good old human irrationality might just have spurred them on to run my rear end out of town anyways. I resolved to get a head start on them. A part of that afternoon I spent in writing a bunch of letters to old friends and colleagues letting them know that I was having second thoughts about life on the farm and if they heard of any positions out there that might suit me, I'd greatly appreciate it if they let me know about it.
Second thing was that I went back into town prowling for Karen and found her in her back yard hanging up some clothes. I got straight down to business.
"Hi Karen...uh...you know, I'm not too keen on us meeting at the Inn tonight. You might have heard about what happened at church today and I just don't want to see any of their faces."
She looked miffed. "What then? You're going to give in to them and not see me anymore..."
I interrupted. "Quite the opposite. You know I always keep a few bottles in the fridge. How 'bout we have a little private party this evening?" I gave her a self-mocking leer. "Come on out to my place and look at my etchings? How 'bout it?"
She smirked, "About time you asked me. I was starting to wonder if you were going that way." She took a quick look up at the balsamic moon and grinned. "Good timing, Jack. When?"
"Drop in anytime you want. If I'm not in the house, I'll be in the fields. Gimme a shout."
"OK, let me finish this and grab a bite, then I'm yours for the evening."
"I'll even cook you dinner if you want."
"Now there's a deal."
Actually, I was in the house for most of the afternoon preparing for our evening together. I figured with all the crud we'd been taking, we needed a more attractive diversion than a just a fast vegetable sandwich and a snort on the way to the sack. By the time she knocked, all was ready.
I bowed low as I opened the door. "Please come in, madame."
She regarded my manner with amusement. "My pleasure sir. Jack, there's something different about you...your cap! You're not wearing it."
"Yeah. I see you scowling at it every now and then. You don't like it, do you?"
"I loathe it! It makes you look like a kiddie." She frowned. "You even wear the damn thing to bed. I remember it now. I would have objected if I hadn't been busy with other things that night. What did Popuri say about that?"
"I kept her too busy for her to bring it up also."
"Yeah...well, thanks for losing it for the evening. Your hair's nice, you know. You shouldn't cover it up." She underlined the point by running her fingers through it while giving me a friendly smooch.
"Let's save that for dessert. You hungry now?"
"Sure. But nothing too heavy."
"I'm way ahead of you there. Please be seated, madame."
I pulled out her chair for her as she continued to look amused. "I don't know what you're up to here with this 'Gentleman Jim' act, but I like it. Keep going, boy."
"Most certainly, madame. First course coming right up." It was mountain salad - green and blue grasses, baby bamboo shoots and mushrooms. She ate with evident pleasure.
"Mm...I'm not as big a fan of mushrooms as Mary, but this is quite excellent. Heh. You've got all kinds of unsuspected talents."
"Wait until the main course to decide that. Would you like some wine now?"
"Is the Pope Catholic?"
I fetched a bottle from the fridge and held it before her. "Does madame approve of the wine selection?"
"Hm - Moon Mountain '14. Definitely a step up from what we've been swilling in Doug's place."
I presented the cork to her and she sniffed with a regal manner. "It will do. You may pour, boy."
I did so then held up my glass. "Please allow me to propose the toast. 'To us.'"
She smiled and lifted her glass. "Short and sweet. To us." We touched glasses and drank.
A couple of glasses and some light conversation later, I judged it time to bring on my prime effort. I carried a covered bowl from the kitchen, set it on the table and revealed the contents with a flourish.
"Madame, the pièce de résistance!"
Her eyes went wide with delight. "Jack...is this really truffle rice? How did you know? This has to be just about my favorite dish!"
"You seem like a truffle kind of girl to me."
"Yeah...but they're so rare. We hardly ever see any here."
I went on as I served. "Ah but you see, I know where they grow. I don't think even Basil knows that spot."
She took her first bite and closed her eyes in pleasure while chewing. "That's just right. Jack, if you ever decide to give up farming, you've got a future as a chef."
"It's all in the ingredients, my dear."
So we continued our light conversation while finishing off dinner and wine in a leisurely manner. Once finished, I cleared the table and brought out our second bottle while musing. "You know Karen, after a dinner like that some dancing would be perfect. But I don't have any source of music here."
She grinned, "Oh yes you do," and starting singing in a beautifully low, sultry voice.
Non, rien de rien
Non, je ne regrette rien...
"I stand corrected. Kind lady, may I have this dance?"
"Most certainly, gentle sir."
And we embraced and flowed together across the living room floor to the rhythm of her seductive singing.
"You know Karen, fine wine, torch singing and close dancing taken together could be dangerous to your virtue."
"Ah, but isn't that the point of this evening?"
Car ma vie
Car mes joies
Aujourd'hui
Ça commence avec toi...
We danced for a few more minutes, pausing every now and then for one of those deep melting kisses that left us both with spinning heads and racing hearts. Then she flashed me the 'go' signal - whispering "I'm ready for dessert now" - and I took the lead and danced her into the bedroom.
It was nothing like the frenzied animal activity of our first night together. She'd left her usual hard brassy attitude somewhere else and I was seeing a side of her I'd not suspected she had - all soft and submissive and yielding. I gently disrobed her and then myself, took her hand and led her to bed and we made slow, sweet love together until the early morning hours.
We ended up with her resting her head on my chest and her fine smooth hair covering my body like a blanket. I stroked her neck and back while we kept up the age-old tradition of the post-coital conversation.
"Jack, I'm so grateful to you for everything you've done for me tonight. You've treated me like a queen. It's the first time in a long while that I've felt cherished and I really needed it."
"I enjoyed every minute of it. Seeing you relaxed and happy like this is its own reward."
And as we continued our easy, drifting talk... well, I was feeling like a total louse. I'd figured I'd just exploited her much worse than I'd ever used Popuri and I hated myself for doing so.
Perhaps I should explain that.
I believe I said before that Karen and I hadn't been making it since that first night. The reason was simply that I just hadn't been that interested in sleeping with her. Yes, I did feel for her what I called love - some complicated mixture of emotions involving admiration of her strong spirit, pity for her troubles and just plain simple liking of her person. But as far as sex went...well, I actually didn't find her very sexually attractive. It sounds funny I know - she was very pretty of face and there was certainly nothing ugly or deformed about her body.
What it was, of course, was that I was still obsessed with Popuri. That girl had completely commandeered my erotic drive - she was what sex meant to me...and still does after all this time, and I suppose always will for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I could perform with Karen all right - her periodic bouts of clutching at me while gasping for breath had proven that. After all, I was 23, normal and healthy. But it was a performance - an act if you will. Every moment I was moving with her, I was comparing her to Popuri - and she came up short in the comparison. So that was one reason I felt guilty for the evening - I'd been using her to test if I'd started to get over Popuri. And I really hadn't.
But it got worse than that.
I really had gotten totally fed up with the villagers' attitude towards me (and her) that day. I'd spent two seasons making my best try to fit in with their rustic ways - some quite alien to me, lifelong city boy that I was. I'd frequently gone out of my way to make nice to the bunch of them. And the first serious misstep I'd made, it was like all I'd done before had never happened at all. I was furious with them. So I'd decided that afternoon, 'they're so disapproving of me doing her, fine, I'll double down on it and show them!'
The problem with that, of course, was that I'd had to use Karen to do it. Someone I liked and respected and thought the world of. That was the reason for my elaborate pampering of her that evening. I was trying to buy off my guilty conscience by treating her as well as I knew how. It didn't work - the way I was at the time, there was no way my inner scruples were going to let me get away with that. And looking at her contented face, I realized that what I'd done that evening was bond her to me real, real tight. Now, wanting it or not, I had her as a lover and I wasn't about to hurt her by telling her it was all a mistake. I was going to have to keep acting.
It was the first time in my life I'd ever slept with someone out of spite. And it made me feel real dirty inside.
"Karen. Anytime you're ready, I'll see you home."
"What? You're kicking me out?"
"Not if you don't want. I'd be happy to have you sleep over if you like."
"I like." She snuggled up closer to my chest. "I like to sleep just like this. Your heart beats strong. It's comforting to listen to. I love you, Jack."
"And I love you too."
Karen, I'm sorry.
Yeah, life is just a barrel of laughs. The day after Karen and I really started the affair that everyone thought we'd been having all along, they started easing up on us. Several people had never joined in the shunning to begin with and had decided to graduate from silent neutrality to support.
Barley and I had always been on a slightly better footing than the 'friends from necessity' relations I had with so many in the village. He and my grandfather had been on pretty good terms - not as close as with Lil and her husband, but they'd grown up and been through a lot together. I still chuckle to myself at the story he told of him and grandfather lurking in ambush to check a persistent watermelon thief - and how they'd sent Anna's teenaged parents fleeing under the sting of shotgun propelled rock salt, filched melons abandoned in panic.
So when he showed up at my door the next morning and then tactfully tried to excuse himself when he saw Karen at the table shoveling in fruit salad, I invited him to join us for breakfast. He won me with his politeness to Karen.
"Haven't seen you much in these parts lately. Missed you. You always bring a touch of elegance along with you."
"Thanks Barl. With me and Rick quits, haven't had much call to come until now."
"Well, the reason I came over is that I want to disassociate myself from the treatment people are giving the two of you. You know, they did the same to my Joanna when she came back here with May and it drove her out of this town for good. It's why I pretty much keep to myself. Don't have much feeling for those folks now."
"I remember it well, Barl. I was 19 at the time and my folks were constantly telling me not to talk to her - Mom kept saying, 'She might give you bad ideas.'" She made a face. "Like I didn't know all about the facts of life already. Now I'm ashamed I went along with them. Joanna was always nice to me."
So the two of them had a nice talk about the old days with me listening in and nodding, and we all parted friends as we went about our day's work. Then that afternoon, Zack called me over as he was emptying out the shipping bin.
"Jack, I just wanna tell you that I think you're getting a raw deal here. The whole thing stinks. People are forgetting that she ditched you. And before that, she was such a bitch to you I dunno why you didn't chop her up and feed her to the chickens. Far as I'm concerned, it leaves you free to do whatever you want." He gave his hearty laugh. "I'm a free man here, I can do what I want. To hell with all of 'em. Anytime you and Karen want some company, drop in my place. I'm always open to a drink and a joke with you two."
Funny that such a tough guy could look so wistful. "Always liked Karen. If she'd been about ten years older I might have made a play for her myself. But I always think of her as that cute little girl running all around town with Mary - 'Kar' and 'Mar' they called each other. Sometimes they'd ask me to give 'em a ride and I'd carry 'em around one on each shoulder, them both giggling to beat the band. And her dancing around Rose Square with that little radio she always carried with her - she was just the daintiest little thing you could ever want to see."
Then he amazed me by opening up all the way. "You see, Jack, I know something about missed connections also. When I was your age, I had my eye on Lillia." He went on as I stared open mouthed. "Oh yes I did! Never got anywhere though. It was her and Mike all the way and I was odd man out. She was always kind to me, but I never had a chance. Day before the Goddess festival when I was 22 and she was 20, I made my play and offered her a blue feather. She turned me down - oh, she was real sweet and considerate, but down in flames I went."
And I was kinda half-listening to him as he went on about his hopeless obsession - imagining how different life would have been had they ended up together. There would have been no Popuri! At least not in her this-worldly form. Well, I showed him the proper sympathy - I really did like Zack, what was not to like in that puppy-dog friendliness of his - and promised to drop in on him sometime after extending the same invitation to him. He promised to take me up on it "next time I smell that wicked good grilled fish of yours" and we parted in good cheer.
But these were just bit players in the village and their views really didn't count for too much with people. The real change had to come from one of the big guys - I'm talking Doug here. And it did.
I never really knew what Doug thought of us, he was as cold and self-controlled as I've ever seen in a person. I suppose that being a typical product of the village, he was as offended by our affair as everyone else, but at the same time I sort of detected a deep down indifference in him about anything that didn't affect his pocketbook. The only times he'd ever said anything critical to our faces involved our not making such a display in his Inn as to drive the other customers out in disgust. "Take that stuff somewhere else, kids!" But part of being a leader is not directly going against your followers' sensibilities if you don't have to - rather subtly talking them around to where you want them to go. So, for a while there, he let people dump on us figuring I was stuck on the farm and just had to take whatever I got.
I bet it was when Harris told him about the sudden increase in my correspondence that he had second thoughts about his calculations. I never had any evidence that they were actually reading my mail, but they could read the addresses on the envelopes and see that aside from writing to people in all kinds of places, I was also sending out bushels of letters to every aerospace corporation and contractor in the country. Doug was nothing if not a shrewd guy - when he figured out that I was longingly eyeing the exit, he started getting out the word that if people really wanted to live in a village impoverished by having it's main enterprise abandoned, they were going about it exactly the right way.
I noticed that suddenly people started greeting me in the streets again rather than turning away as I passed - and I returned their greetings and small talk correctly, if with an internally sardonic mood. Cliff soon enough clued me in as to what had happened. Way he told it, Doug had had to compromise with people's sensibilities - they'd agreed to let up on me, but Karen was still fair game for whatever crud they wanted to throw at her. That good old double standard at work.
Well, that may have been OK with other people, but it was not OK with me. I figured that I was in the catbird's seat just right at that moment and that it was a time for another man-to-man attitude adjustment chat with him. I dropped into the Inn alone that evening, accepted my usual cup of wine from him and made my pitch, him listening with that poker face of his.
"Doug, I appreciate your going to bat for me in this little matter, really I do. You've always treated me really fair and I'm grateful. But there's still one smidge of a problem I've got." Long drink and pregnant pause as he stood by silently. "People are still giving Karen a pretty rough time, and I can't say as I like it. You know, right now she's really about the only thing in this place that means anything to me. So could I ask one wee favor of you?"
He knew it already of course, but nodded and grunted, "Go ahead."
"You might let the word get around that I regard any insult given to Karen as one given to me personally - and I'll be making my future plans accordingly. You'll be a pal and get that out, won't you?"
His face and voice got blanker still. "I'll talk to some people about it, Jack."
I gave him my most winning smile. "Thanks, Doug, I knew I could count on you. You're a true friend." And starting the next morning, people started treating her better, also.
In fact, people being as they are, it swung the other direction a bit hard after that. A few nights later, Karen looked a little moody as we drank together and after five cups started venting.
"God, Jack, these people are disgusting. All the crap I've taken off of them for being with you and now it's like it all never happened. Everyone's so nicey-nice now. It makes me sick!" She lowered her voice to an intense whisper. "You know, today I had a couple of people come up and slyly put it to me that if it'd keep you on the farm, no one would give us any trouble if we shacked up." She drank deeply and kept her sour face. "I guess they figure that since they've got a town whore, they might as well put her to profitable use."
I'd already been thinking over that very idea, but had been hesitating to bring it up. I did like having her around. And if our making it wasn't exactly fireworks and earth-moving and all that jazz - well, I was getting used to it. It was comforting - it was a release.
"What do you think about that?"
"Huh?"
"Us setting up housekeeping together. Seeing as you're sleeping over at Erehwon more than you're at home, it'd just make it official."
Her conflicted emotions showed plainly on her face.
"'Making it official.' That's a problem for me." She was looking very serious as she went on. "You see I really am a product of my environment in some ways. As long as I spend a couple nights a week at home, I can tell myself that this is just a romance or a fling - and yes I know that's self-deception and denial. But living in sin - and that's how I grew up thinking of it, along with everyone else here - it's a big step."
"You're worried about hurting your folks, then? Well, if it's too much for you, I don't insist on it. Say, what do your parents say about all of this?"
Her expression went deep black. "They don't say anything Jack."
"What? They accept it? But then why is your Dad so grumpy when I go in the store..."
"No Jack, I mean they don't say anything. They're desperately trying to pretend that none of this is happening. Neither of them has so much as uttered your name since we got together. Every time I try to talk to them about it, they get these frozen looks on their faces and change the subject as soon as they can. I suppose they're waiting for me to return to my senses.
"And there's another thing that's often on my mind...I didn't want to bother you with my anxieties, but since we're talking about things...I keep wondering what would happen if Popuri came in the front door some morning. Jack, what would you do?"
I answered, "Take her back" without missing a beat. "Karen, I'm sorry but..."
"I know, I know. She really got her hooks into you, didn't she? Well, at least you're honest and I know exactly where I stand with you."
"Karen, I'm not anywhere near over her yet. But it's not as bad as when she first left - you've been a great help to me and I'm grateful."
Her expression was still sour. "Comfort and consolation, eh? And I'm the consolation prize, right? Well, please to allow me to keep some of my pride. Let's just go on like this for now, OK?"
She was right, of course. Living in was too outré for a place like Mineral Village. I suppose that there had always been people there dipping in where they shouldn't have been - several of my ancestors' diaries elliptically alluded to such goings on. But you were supposed to preserve appearances by doing it on the sly. So, Karen and I kept on the way we'd both become accustomed to and most of the villagers kept their feelings to themselves and pretended that we were...whatever the hell it was they were pretending we were.
Now, don't get the idea that all I was doing that Fall was rutting and drinking. In fact, I was shipping more produce that season - and making more money - than ever before. I'd completely restored the fields to serviceable state, done most of the capital improvements I'd planned, and it was showing in the volume of produce I was shipping. I suppose one reason - OK, the only reason - the villagers swallowed their scruples and accepted Karen and I together was the success I was having with Erehwon. Intelligently applied hard work does bring rewards - if you're fully in control of your efforts and their fruits.
Actually, though the villagers were almost awestruck at how fast I'd gotten Erehwon back to being the economic powerhouse of the village, in my own mind I was slacking a little. I'd put my originally planned expansion into livestock on indefinite hold and left the barn in the decrepit state I'd found it. Watching Barley manhandle stubborn cows and sheep around his land looked like nothing but aggravation and I figured I didn't need the strain. I was already making plenty of dough, and my expenditures on upkeep and booze (my biggest discretionary spending) together with my regular payments on the house still left me with the volume of savings I was wanting. How I'd been caught penniless and jobless at the beginning of the year was still vivid in my mind, and there was no way I was going to let myself be without options again. One of the best things money buys is freedom, you know.
Nobody else watching would have guessed I was goofing off, though. I made my biggest mistake in planning with sweet potatoes. When I'd run the numbers for Fall, my eyes almost bugged out of my head at the profits those purple tubers promised me. Over 9400G of pure gain per patch for the season! Well, I went a bit overboard there and planted 24 patches of the little buggers only to find that every third day, I spent better than 12 hours hauling several tonnes of the damn things to the shipping bin - this on top of my regularly scheduled chores. That afterwards I'd carried away large pouches of gold coins almost, but not quite, made up for it. At first, Karen was miffed - OK, downright bitchy - that every third day I was useless to her for sexual healing. But when I more than made up for it on the other two days, she adjusted. In fact she started pitching in a little after those harvest sessions to relax me. I still have fond memories of those deep down full body massages of hers up in the hot springs. But I've not once eaten a sweet potato since.
Odd that in so many ways, Karen and I were a lot better lovers than Popuri and I had ever been. The root of that, of course, was Karen's maturity - heck, she was a year older than I was and had a serious, realistic streak far wider and deeper than my own. Getting to know her intimately made me realize that my worldly side - gained from coming of age on my own in a big-town college, then a big-town job - was a touch superficial. I'd learned it, after all, in controlled and somewhat artificial environments while Karen had been steeped in 'real life' all along - both that of the closely-knit small town and that of the farm life. She'd halfway grown up at Chicken Lil's and Erehwon, after all, so it was in her blood that whatever decoration we put on our lives, we are inexorably bound to the wheel of birth-reproduction-death.
After all we did love each other - each in our own way - and if the sex was a lot better for her than for me...well, I've observed over the years that such an asymmetry is more common in couples than not. We may not have been cohabiting, but we quickly got an easy 'old married couple' familiarity to us.
Karen wasn't nearly as domestic as Popuri had been, and made no apologies about it. It made sense to me in a way - there was always a touch of an air about her that her natural setting was an elegant parlor, entertaining impossibly cultivated and witty people while decked out in satin and jewels. I couldn't shake that feeling even though I was used to seeing her clump around town in that hiker's outfit she favored - and I'm not even going to get into that hideous purple vest of hers!
Like most other women of the village, she eschewed cosmetics, but she did have one characteristic adornment - the blonde highlighting in her hair. One evening I watched her spend nearly an hour in the bathroom getting it just right.
"Karen, why do you highlight your hair like that? It already looks beautiful au natural and it seems like a real pain to do."
She gave me a self-depreciating grin. "Because this is how Elena Tereshkova did her hair when she was with the Bolshoi. Please to allow me one touch of vanity if you would!"
Karen did want to pitch in a little at Erehwon. She was spending so much time there and I was feeding her so well (she'd actually put on a few kilos which she'd badly needed to) that she figured she owed it to me. But doing what? She observed that she wasn't really the housework kind of girl, "what I do of that at home is plenty enough." Cooking was out of the question - her food fiascos were the stuff of village legend.
Finally, she observed that she and chickens got along well enough, her having grown up with them at Lil's (where had I heard that before!) Tending the flock was time-consuming but not physically demanding so I figured that since she wanted to, I'd encourage it. I showed her the ropes and she picked it all up real quick and started right in on those chores.
There were a couple of glitches, though. When I introduced her to the laying hens, she started as I named them and asked me with an indefinable expression, "Did I hear you right? Is that hen's name really Popuri?"
"Yeah." I looked sheepish and explained how it had hatched out from her gift egg so long before.
She looked speculatively at the chicken. "You know, I'm as much a vegetarian as everyone else here, but I can't help but think of fried chicken when I look at that one."
The other little problem was that as graceful as she was, there was just something about the size, shape and feel of eggs that brought out the klutz in her. Her first day on the job, I had to run into the coop from the fields after hearing a horrible crashing and thumping. I found her lying face down on the floor, broken eggs scattered all around her as she pounded the dirt with her fists and cried with frustration.
Well I helped her up and held her to calm her down, telling her not to overreact as it was only money.
"It's not only money! It's your sweat and blood I just wasted! I know how hard you work!"
"It's all right, Karen. I've dropped a few myself in my time."
So it ended up that she fed and tended the chickens all right, but I always gathered the eggs for shipment as she refused to touch them from that time on.
Ah, small town hypocrisy. I suppose I really shouldn't have been surprised when Manna, the defender of Mineral Village's traditional virtues, decided to try and take advantage of my quasi-available status. It was one of those hot and humid days - a leftover from the recently ended summer - so I was shirtless and sweating out while breaking up some boulders in the back fields. I was so concentrated on my work that I started pretty good when she greeted me.
"Ah, good morning Manna. What can I do for you?"
The look on her face as she stared at my torso told what she wanted me to do for her. Oh damn, I thought, not her.
"Mmm...Jack, I just wanted to tell you how terribly, terribly sorry I am that Popuri left you. Such a horrible thing she did! You must be so sad and lonely."
"Well, I'll live. I'm trying to lose myself in the work. It helps."
"Yes, and trying to lose your troubles in other ways also, I've seen." She lowered her voice and tried to look sympathetic. "I can understand your wanting some womanly comfort, but really, I don't think that Karen is a suitable companion for you. She's hated you for some time, you know."
"That's all in the past. We get along now."
"Yes, but I still feel she's too difficult a person for someone going through all the sorrow you're having to have to put up with. You see, I know something about loneliness also. With the way Duke drinks all the time, he's not able to pay me the attention that I'd like." She ran her hand along my upper arm and whispered. "And you're such a strong, energetic young man. I really feel that we could help each other."
I looked through her facade of middle-aged seductiveness and all I could see was the malicious woman whose filthy storytelling had afflicted Karen so.
"Manna, I say this with all due thought and deliberation - I think I'd rather lick thistles than go to bed with you."
After she'd gasped and turned bright red, she turned away and marched off my farm without another word. The look on her face showed I'd just made an enemy for life. I didn't care. You see, sometimes you can measure a man's character by the enemies he has.
Karen oscillated between laughter - 'where does a nice guy like you come up with deadly cuts like that?' - and anger when I told her of the incident that evening. She was raring to spread the story far and wide and make the village too hot for Manna's comfort.
"I'm going to love paying that bitch back in her own coin. It's going to be a riot seeing how her face ends up looking when it gets back to Duke!"
Well, far be it from me to break up a friendly little catfight, but it sounded to me as if Karen was preparing to go nuclear. People had eased up on us and I didn't see any profit in the all out war she was itching to start. It took some time and effort - and a few hasty promises - to get her to see it my way.
"Aw, it's a damn shame. I though this time she'd finally stepped in it too deep to get out. You know, the way she was going around insinuating that Mary and I were lovers really got to me. And she's too clever to actually come out and say something you can nail her with - she just paints a picture and lets everyone else come to the conclusions she wants."
"Well, if you want to get back at her without it escalating - how 'bout a little blackmail? Draw her aside sometime and sweetly tell her what you know about her - and what everyone else could know too if she doesn't start kissing your feet."
Her grin was evil. "Damn Jack, you've got a twisted mind. I like it. I like it a lot."
Karen never told me exactly how she played it. I didn't really want to know the details - some things women do are not meant for the minds of mortal men to know. But I do know that from that time on, Karen and I no longer existed in Manna's wide world of gossip.
Time marched on - marched right on to Fall 8 and my 24th birthday. I hadn't bothered to celebrate my 23rd -with all of us at Dynatech working like madmen preparing for the Venture One flight I hadn't had the time. Had I known what a bear my 23rd year was going to be I would have done something - the condemned man ate a hearty meal and all that. But I did see in my 24th with a little help from friends.
Birthdays are important occasions in Mineral Village. Everyone knows everybody else's and people try to do something nice to celebrate - even if it's just making nice out of policy. Folks with families have a celebration at home with their 'loved' ones - however unloved they might be - with friends dropping in. Singles celebrated catch as catch can. I was an awkward case - I was married, but she wasn't with me, so did that make me effectively single? But no, Karen was at my place just about any free time we both had. What were conventional country folk supposed to make of my...uh...creative living arraignments? Finally, folks concluded that since I was becoming a confirmed member of the drinking class, they'd throw a bash for me at the Inn.
When I got wind of their plans, I let it be known that I was grateful, but would have to give my regrets. Those people and I may have been back to being polite to each other, but I'd be damned if I was going to celebrate with them. Anyways, it wasn't practical. We might be all palsy-walsy while dead sober, but the bad feelings were still right there under the surface and I knew that alcohol had a way of bringing said bad feelings out front and center. There were a bunch of people I'd have not minded punching out - and vice versa - and with enough booze aboard all of us, I'd have laid even money that Doug would have ended up hosting a barroom brawl. But I did end up celebrating - with the two people in the village that actually meant something to me.
I stood by my dining room table and exclaimed, "You know what I like most about this birthday?"
Karen and Cliff both mumbled something akin to 'what?' through mouthfuls of my green pepper and onion pizza.
"Now that I'm 24 this one..." I pointed at Karen "...can't treat me like her retarded kid brother anymore. We're the same age now."
"For one week, Jack. Milk it while you can." She reached for another slice. "You know, I'm going to insist you make some more of this for my birthday. I love pizza and I hardly ever get any. Don't know why Doug or Ann never serve it." And then her mouth was full again.
"Heh. I'll make a note of it. Fine bunch of pals I've got...I have to fix my own birthday dinner 'cause neither of you can cook worth a damn!"
Cliff laughed. "In her case, that's an understatement. You weren't at the cooking festival, were you?"
"Nah, Popuri and I spent that day together in the hot springs."
"Well, you should have seen the judge when he ate...what the hell were those things, Karen?"
She looked a little embarrassed. "Mashed potatoes."
"I thought they were charcoal glazed apples! Well, the judge popped one in his mouth and made the worst face I've ever seen. I thought he was going to spew it right back out in her face!"
"He didn't because he knew I'd have punched his lights out."
And I jumped in with 'more wine, guys?' before she punched him out. Actually, Karen and Cliff got along pretty well. She appreciated his streak of cynical humor and he let it all hang out in response. We all bantered together in that vein while finishing the second pizza and third bottle. Then, when I least expected it (nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!) they both produced wrapped packages from hiding and started singing Happy Birthday.
"I should have known you two would try and embarrass me somehow. At least it's not a birthday spanking."
Karen smirked, "That'll be later on this evening, sweet cheeks."
"In your dreams, wench. OK, OK, who's first?"
Cliff shouted, 'Me! Me!' while thrusting his gift at me. I tore off the wrapping, then the two of them doubled up in laughter at my expression as I held up several boxes of rubbers.
"Where in hell did you find these in this burg?"
Cliff somehow choked out, "Zack's the man!"
"Hmph. Wonder if I could score some crank off of him too. It'd sure come in handy during those sweet potato harvesting sessions."
Cliff winked. "Wouldn't think a boy scout like you would know about that stuff."
"Shoot. Both at school and the labs we all used a little boost to get through those all-nighters."
Karen looked aggravated. "You know, I don't have the slightest idea what you two are talking about." Then she decided to grin and present her gift to me. "All right, my turn."
"You know, the way this is going I'm scared to open it. Is it made out of leather?"
"Nope, metal."
"Body rings went out in the 'oughts," I quipped as I opened it. And metal it was - it was one of those models of the Apollo lunar lander that were a popular novelty in the 1970s.
"Karen - it's beautiful! Where did you get this? These are antiques now, you know."
"It was my grandfather's. I found it in the attic awhile back and was saving it for the right occasion. You like it then?"
"I love it. The both of you, thanks so much for great gifts and a great party. Karen, come over here and gimme some sugar," and we played tonsil hockey for a bit with Cliff looking on grinning and mocking, "aw, now ain't they just the sweetest thing." We lounged around chatting for a few more minutes, then Cliff started an elaborate act of stretching and yawning and excused himself saying it was way past his bedtime.
As soon as Cliff was out the door, Karen started thinking the same thing - grinning at me while asking, "OK Jack, wanna try out your gift now?"
I answered, "Sure do!" as I picked up the LM model and started sailing it over the table. "Houston, we have solid surface radar lock..."
"Tard." She took the LM out of my hand and replaced it with the rubbers. "You know what I mean - finally I can give up my amateur moon-watching. Wouldn't you know that my 'no way' days are when I want it the most. I guess that's how Mother Nature intends it. She's a bitch."
"Gee, uh, you know, a boy scout like me might not know how to use these things. I might need a helping hand."
She walked into the bedroom motioning for me to follow. "A woman's work is never done, is it?"
All in all, a pretty nice birthday. And I've kept the LM model through all these years - in fact, I've got it here in front of me as I write, along with a few other odds and ends to refresh my memories of those times.
Since my marriage to Popuri, I hadn't had any of the odd dreams that had puzzled and agitated me from the time I'd arrived in the village. My nights were filled with the usual random rehashing and reworking of the day's events - which often made for unpleasant enough experiences. But one evening, the strangeness recurred.
I was seven again, sitting with Mary on the summit of Mother's Hill as the sun set, bathing us both in an unearthly red glow. You know how lucid dreams can be. I had perfect recall of how she looked then - her eyes must have gone bad later as she didn't wear glasses in those days and she looked just as cute as a button. Although she appeared to me as a child, she spoke in her adult voice - quiet, serious and very intense.
"Jack, by now you surely must have realized that we were meant to be together. There's very little time remaining for us, but you can still save the both of us. You see, if we stay separate, it will go almost as badly for you as for me."
"But Mary, how could we get together now? Too much has happened and we're not the same people anymore."
"Deep inside, we are still the same as when we first loved each other. We are damaged but not yet destroyed. But we have so little time left. I'm still waiting for you just as before. You know how to find me if you want me. But I'm so frightened of what's to come - I need you and you still need me. Please hurry."
And then I woke up feeling her presence so strongly that I thought that it was her next to me in bed. But Karen's soft snoring snapped me out of it and back to the ordinary world.
After that, thinking of getting back to sleep was pointless, so I just got up and read at the kitchen table - well, ran my eyes over the pages; my mind was sixteen years in the past, finally recalling that little girl I'd loved so much then and sorrowing for our lost innocence.
I got breakfast ready by the time Karen woke, and if she noticed I was a little abstracted while we ate, she let it ride. We both made allowances for each other's moods, you see. It's part of how we got along so well.
Finally, I couldn't control myself anymore and I asked as casually as I could sound, "Karen, how's Mary these days? I haven't heard anything about her since she went off to school. She doing well there?"
Her face got that dark black look and she mumbled, "I don't know."
"Huh? You two being such good friends, I'd have thought you were writing each other every day and..."
She snapped, "Damn Jack, you can be so freaking clueless. Can't you figure it out?"
We just sat there a moment before she went on in a monotone. "I don't know who told her about us - it could have been her mother, it could have been mine, or Manna...who knows? But someone did. She sent me a letter shortly after we started being together - one of those friendship ending letters." She bit her lips until they turned white. "Her command of the language is awesome - I never knew there were so many ways to say 'betrayer' and 'back-stabber.' I sent her back a long groveling letter full of apologies and excuses but she never replied. I haven't heard from her since."
"Gosh, now I feel terrible. Being the cause of ending such a close friendship - you know, I don't know if I'm worth it..."
I didn't get to finish the thought as she wheeled around with rage in her face and slapped me across the mouth hard enough to bring out the stars.
I stared at her as she hissed, "Don't ever say anything like that to me ever again! I don't ever want to hear you saying you're not good enough for our being together!"
We just sat there looking at each other a bit as she simmered down, but she was still intense as she went on. "I'm the one who says that you're worth it and that's what matters. I went into this thing as an adult, knowing full well there'd be a very high price to pay for loving you - and I accepted it then and I accept it now. It's all by my own choice and I take the consequences with no complaints."
She actually got philosophical about it. "You know, it's just the nature of the female animal - two women can be life-long close friends, closer than any sisters ever were. But if a man comes along that they both want, then it's all off like the friendship never happened." She shrugged. "It's the way of the world and we can't change it. We just have to live it."
Well, eventually she apologized for the blow, but not for the feeling behind it and she headed off to the General Store a little earlier than usual. The whole day out in the fields, I was as conflicted as in my first days in the village being pulled between Mary and Popuri. I kept having the wild urge to write Mary a friendly, open-ended letter just to see what would come of it. Of course, my serious side was telling me I was insane for even considering doing anything to risk restarting Mary's obsession with me. I considered it possible that she'd throw over school and rush back home if she thought she had a chance with me and I sure as hell didn't want that on my conscience. Well, I ended the workday resolving to do nothing about the matter and I got a little drunker than usual that night.
I should have listened to my dreams. She had spoken truly that indeed there was so little time left.
