Heart Fades to Black
Chapter 2: A Modern Sophisticated Conversation
Of course, I wasn't going to get a restful night's sleep after a festival like that. The lady in my dreams had to have her say also. She spoke from blackness, and her tone of voice was not comforting.
"Jack, I won't be speaking with you anymore. I just can't bear to see what's going to happen to those lovely girls...and to you...and to Erehwon."
"But...I..."
"Please. Don't make it any harder on me than it is already. I don't want to leave you - but there's really no choice. I'm not angry with you. I don't blame you - my companions tell me these events are larger than all of us. It was fated to be - as some of you say, it's in the stars. As long as you live and work on Erehwon, the land will be as fruitful as always. This much I can still do for you - but it's all I can do. Goodbye."
"Please...come back."
She never did. I've not heard her voice since. Some nights still, I miss her.
Of course I woke up in a terrible state. I'd never gotten down so much bad whiskey before in my life and now I knew just what Karen's pet word - 'toxic' - really meant. I envied the sea cucumber who when poisoned can expel all it's internal organs and grow new ones. I wasn't at all sure I could live with the ones I had. I somehow got out of bed and half listened to Farmer Fran and Jimmy saying something or another about tool chests. I skipped breakfast - the thought of eating one of those preserved rice-balls made me retch - and dragged myself outside to start the day's field work.
A couple of hours into it, I heard girlish chatter coming from the mountainside gate. Ah yes, it was time for Ann and Popuri to head up to the pond together. They came up to the gate together and both waved at me. I waved back...sort of.
Popuri said to Ann, "You go on ahead, I want to talk to Jack."
"Sure, Pi, take your time." She laughed. "I'm sure you two have plenty to talk about! Good morning, Jack. I'll leave you and Pi alone now - see 'ya." She left us and continued up into the hills.
It would have been an understatement to say I was uneasy. Was she feeling she'd been used? Angry? Ready to make some trouble for me?
As soon as Ann was out of sight, she put these fears to rest by running up to me and giving me a fierce hug.
"Mmm...Jack, I missed you so much! Did you miss me too?"
Gosh, it felt good holding her. "Yes I did. How are you this morning?"
"I feel great!" She lowered her voice as she let go of me and looked into my eyes. "Lover, you were just fantastic." Then her expression turned serious as she looked at me. "But you don't look too good. Are you sick?"
"Hung over like you wouldn't believe. I'm sorry, but I drank way too much yesterday - that's unusual for me, but..."
She shrugged. "Men do that kind of thing. I don't mind if people let go now and then, but myself, I don't drink."
For which fact we may all be grateful. The world was not ready for a boozed-up Popuri. I suspect it never would be.
She looked more serious. "But Jack, if you were drunk last night...are you trying to tell me what we had together, it was just the effect of liquor? Are you trying to tell me you really didn't mean what you were saying to me?"
I wanted real bad to say 'no, I really didn't mean any of it.' OK, she'd get hurt and mad and maybe cause some trouble for me with the other villagers. But then I'd be free of her.
But I couldn't say it! That compulsive attraction I had for her held me back. Damn, I wanted that girl! I mean - yeah, it was mostly just physical attraction. But she'd already gotten under my skin that way. I mean really gotten under it.
"Pi, what we shared last night was something really special to me."
She was back to smiles and crushing hugs in a flash. "Oh, Jack, I knew you loved me - I knew it, I knew it!" She pulled back a little and looked at me. "Do you have to do farm work just right now? Couldn't you spend a little time with me this morning?"
"Sure, I can always move things around in my schedule."
"Great!" She took my hand. "Come with me then - let's go up the mountain. There are some really pretty places there I want to show you."
It was a nice warm mid-spring day - just right for a nature walk. Popuri chattered on about her mother and Rick as we walked past the hot springs hill. Things got unfamiliar to me after that.
"Pi, I haven't gotten this far up before." Actually, I did have some vague childhood memories of the mountain, but I dismissed them as half imagined.
"Well, you see that pond there? The island in the middle has some kind of mine. But nobody goes there except in winter when the pond freezes over. They're scared to - people say a monster lives in that water!"
I smiled. "A monster?"
"Jack, don't laugh at me! There are some strange things around here - really there are."
She hurried me past the pond as if she were expecting some critter to pop out and grab us as we passed. We crossed a small footbridge and Popuri stopped and said, "Here we are. Isn't that lovely?"
We were standing before a field covered with yellow and white flowers - the field being surrounded by ancient, stately oak trees. Again, I had a confused memory of being here before...with someone I could hardly remember now.
"Pi, that's amazing! I don't think I've seen so many flowers growing wild in my life. It looks a little like the gardens at the State Natural History Museum. Have you ever been there?"
She scowled. "In Capitol City? Are you kidding? My folks have never taken me anywhere but Edgeport - and then Rick is constantly with me to make sure I don't 'get into trouble'." Her expression turned wistful. "Jack, I'd love to travel - go places and see things. There's got to be more to life than this village. Farming and chickens and stuffy old people. Pooh!" She suddenly ran off into the field and starting spinning around. "I want to dance! Come here and dance with meeee!"
I went. Neither of us were very good dancers, and we didn't have any music to keep time to, but it didn't matter. We ended up with me holding her as we spun 'round and around until we were too dizzy to stand. We collapsed onto the ground giggling like little kids. Laying there all smiles with her body framed in flowers - she looked all sweetness and pastoral innocence. But then she gave me a hungry look.
"Jack...you aren't all worn out from last night, are you?"
"Uh...no, not exactly."
"Well lover, I'm not worn out either."
That's all the encouragement I needed. In an instant, we were again locked together in a passionate embrace. It was some time before we finally separated. We lay there for a while gasping for breath.
What was left of my critical judgment was simply appalled. This time, I didn't have the excuse of alcoholic impairment - I'd done this cold sober. I simply could not control myself around this girl - especially with her being so willing and eager.
But...I had to ask myself, why did I want to control myself? Now, I'm not going to try and persuade you that I was pure and innocent before her. I'd had a couple of relationships in college where, when things had advanced far enough along, we'd ended up in bed together. But I'd thought the whole thing was rather overrated and hardly worth all the trouble associated with it - and to be fair to the ladies, they hadn't seemed all that impressed with me, either.
But with Popuri! This wasn't just the best I'd ever had - it was better than I had ever in my wildest fantasies thought it could be. You want to talk about perfect chemistry - this was it.
I reflected further. It wasn't exactly like anything else in life was going my way. With grandpa passed away, I didn't have any family left to speak of. My engineering career was all shot to hell - the space program was being shut down due to the hard times. If I went back to the cities and was really, really lucky, I might find some tedious job testing air conditioner compressors or something like that. More likely, I'd slowly starve on an inadequate government dole. Being a dirt farmer looked like my only option for living for quite some time. After three years, who knows, maybe the good times would be back. But three years was a hell of a long time to put my life on hold.
So...why couldn't I have some passion and pleasure in my life? I didn't have anything else; if that gorgeous and - as I'd found out - red-hot girl was going to throw herself at me...well, why shouldn't I take her?
My critical faculties made their last ditch try. 'Because you moron, you're going to get her pregnant carrying on like this! That's going to impress these conservative country folk to no end! If you're real, real lucky, you'll end up beside her at the altar with Rick's shotgun at your back. More likely, you'll end up on the boat back to the mainland covered with tar and feathers - after they've unmanned you with your own farm tools!'
I wasn't impressed. Maybe she'd get with child, and maybe not. Anyways, that was just too far ahead to think about. After all the chaos of the last couple of weeks, I wasn't thinking more than a day or two ahead. Why bother, when a fickle fate can come and blow away all your carefully conceived plans like dust. Live for today and let the devil take tomorrow!
I'd made my decision. I turned on my side, put my hands on her cheeks and looked into her eyes.
"Pi, you know, I really love you. I hope this means you're my girl now."
She radiated happiness. "You bet I am, lover. You're so good for me, I'm never going to let you go!"
On that note, we kissed.
We made it back to our homes about eleven - promising each other to meet again after dark, 'if I can slip away from Rick.' I got back to the fieldwork with a vengeance. I should have been completely exhausted, but I guess Popuri was as good for me as I was for her. Not only did I feel energized, but my hangover was pretty well gone too. I worked five hours straight ending up only mildly winded. I still had some stuff I'd have liked to get done, but I wanted to get to the General Store and get some more seeds before it closed. 'Aw hell,' I remembered I was supposed to talk to Rick about his fight with Karen - now I didn't have time. Double-timing it through the village got me to the store ten minutes before closing. Jeff was as glad as always to see me and my coins, but Karen - putting out items on the tables looking baggy-eyed and puffy-faced - didn't say a word to me. As I left, she followed me out the door and quietly suggested we meet in our usual place.
"Sheesh, Karen, you look..."
"Don't say it. I feel even worse than that. But you look on top of the world today, and you had as much booze as I did." She laughed without merriment. "Can it be I've met my match at drinking?"
"Guess I burned it all out of my system in the fields."
She frowned. "Not to mention the dunes. Jack, you've got to level with me here - did you and Popuri..."
I was thinking it was none of her business and it must have shown because she got real snappish with me. "Hey! Wipe that stupid 'gentleman doesn't tell on a lady' look off your face!" She lowered her voice. "Look here - it's not idle curiosity. I've had a half-wild Mary on my hands a good part of the day. Jack, she's in love with you something fierce and she's going insane over you and Popuri. You've got to tell me so I know how to handle this. You've just got to."
"Yeah, Popuri and I...uh...got real close. OK? You copy?"
She looked depressed, then she seemed to force herself into being sympathetic. "Well...I guess I can't totally blame you. Spur of the moment drunkenness kind of thing, eh? I guess it could happen to anyone given the wrong time and place. And you've had such a miserable time here so I can see where you'd want to cut loose.
"This makes it harder to get you two apart - but not impossible. Let me run this idea in front of you and see what you think - suppose that I..."
"Wait a minute there! Who said anything about getting us apart?"
"What?! Have you gone freaking crazy?!" She forced herself to calm down. "You did, right up to last night. Let's go over some of the things you've said about her..." She started ticking them off on her fingers. "Shrill, childish, ignorant, annoying as hell..."
"Yeah, but you're leaving out the big one - hot as hell."
"You have gone crazy! You're talking like a 16-year-old boy! Jack, you just forgot yourself with her for one boozy night. You don't want to take it seriously."
"Ah...it wasn't just last night. We reconfirmed our relationship this morning."
She looked genuinely alarmed now. "What the hell's gotten into you? You know she's not right for you. Mary's the one you belong with."
I was getting annoyed with her attitude. Telling me who I belonged with. "Now there's one thing right there, Karen. How do you know who's right for me and who isn't. I think I have some say in the matter, you know. Who knows, maybe I'm starting to love Popuri."
She sneered. "Love? What you're in love with is her..."
"If you're going to get gross, then I'm leaving."
Once again she forced herself to act calm. "OK, OK, I'm sorry, that was out of line."
"And how do you know Mary's right for me? OK, she's kind of cute and interesting to talk to and all that. But her as a girlfriend? What does she know or care about any of that stuff - really? She's repressed."
Karen was going into a slow burn. "Now wait a minute..."
"I mean look, what's the bottom line when it comes to a man and a woman together, anyways? Well, Popuri and I are good together that way...I mean real good. Now Mary - look at her! A dried-up old maid in training. She even dresses like she's sixty, for Pete's sake! What would her idea of a passionate night be? Reading the naughty bits out of some novel together?"
"Jack, you've got no right to talk about her like that!"
"Well, I'm going to anyways!" I could stand up to Karen and shout back at her - an exhilarating discovery! "And behind that calm front of hers - she's loony! Falling for me like that. She's making it all up in her mind. Yeah, I was friendly with her, but I never even hinted I wanted her that way. Popuri may be silly - but Mary's psycho!"
"You bastard! That's my best friend you're talking about! Go to hell!"
"I'm going back to Erehwon. That's close enough. Mary's your best friend, fine. You can have her." Then I twisted the knife. "Trying to match me up with someone - why should I trust your judgment there? You've sure fouled up your own love life! You can't even keep someone like Rick interested in you."
She jerked as if I'd slapped her. All the anger left her face and she looked as hurt as I've ever seen anyone. "Jack...you didn't have to say that...why'd you go and say that?"
I turned away and went back towards the farm. As I did, I could see that she'd started crying. I almost went back to her to apologize, but decided not to bother. She had it coming after all - damn meddling bitch trying to run my life!
All the way back to the farm, I was still fuming about Karen. Fortunately, there were lots and lots of weeds, vines and branches to take out my temper on. By eight, I'd converted all my anger to sweat - in the process, clearing three more patches of land. I was pausing to admire my work - grinning that Karen had actually done me a favor my getting me worked up enough to do this - when Popuri's whisper came from the mountainside gate.
I was over there in a flash and started to take her in my arms when she wrinkled her nose and held me back.
"Ugh! Jack, you stink!"
"Well, I've been working straight since eleven, what do you expect?"
She looked cross. "I expect you to take a bath before seeing me!"
"Well, I usually do that up in the hot springs. You got here before I had a chance to go."
She looked alarmed. "You go up there after dark?!"
"Sure. Nothing like a dip in the springs after a hard day's work to relax me. Besides, nobody seems to come up there at night so I've got the place to myself. Very convenient."
"I'll say nobody goes up there late!" She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Jack, that place is haunted at night. The Goddess herself comes out to curse people who aren't in bed when they should be!" She saw me smiling and started stamping her feet while keening, "Stop laughing at me, it's true! That's what Granny told me when I was a little girl and she wouldn't lie!"
Ah, country folk's superstitions. "Well, Pi - I'm sure your Granny told you the truth, but I've been going up there every night since I came here and the Goddess hasn't bothered me."
Then her face lit up like she'd gotten a brilliant insight. "That's right...of course! She wouldn't curse you. Because She always blesses your family - that's what all the old folks say." She gave me a respectful look. "Gosh...having a boyfriend who's in good with the Goddess. I'm a lucky girl!"
Then I saw how I could turn her beliefs to my advantage. "I guess you are. So, I'll just head on up there now and take that bath for you." Then I went on casually, "Say...wanna come up and join me?" I went on over her frightened expression. "After all, if the Goddess is all right with me, she'll be all right with my one and only true love too, right?"
"You...you really think so?"
"Sure. If She comes to bother you, I'll ask Her to show you the same respect She'd show me." I took her arm and gave her a wicked grin. "Come on, let's go. Be a lot of fun."
"Well...OK."
It was a lot of fun.
I was getting used to my new life. OK, I wasn't doing anything world-shaking, but being an independent farmer had its advantages. Working for myself on my own time doing good honest physical labor had me more stress-free than I'd been in years. And the couple of interludes I had with Popuri every day didn't hurt either. Oh no, they didn't hurt one little bit. I was telling myself several times a day that a guy could get used to this.
Well, I was still poor - the money went out as fast as it came in - but it didn't seem to matter. Popuri didn't show any signs of caring - she appeared to be completely non-materialistic. A bunch of fresh picked wild flowers thrilled her as much as a diamond bracelet would have pleased some other girls. Where the money went was right back into the farm - mostly seeds, though I had some ambitious plans about tool improvements and building renovations in the near future. I was in the General Store every afternoon stocking up, and paying cash on the nail as I always did put me on Jeff's 'A' list. Couldn't say the same about Karen. We hadn't said a single word to each other since that harsh quarrel. Then one afternoon, she did her old routine of following me out the door - and, keeping a tightly controlled blank face, suggesting we talk. We went to our usual place near the mailbox.
"Jack, you're still on with Popuri, right?"
I grinned. "Now more than ever!"
She kept the controlled expression and level tone of voice. "So there's no chance of you considering Mary, then?"
"None whatsoever. Don't get me wrong - I don't dislike her. She's got her good points. But she just doesn't appeal to me that way."
"Well, if that's really the way you feel, that's it then. But Jack - she's not getting over you. She still thinks she's got a chance with you."
"I'm sorry - I really am."
"Well, what I wanted to ask of you - couldn't you tell her that? Maybe then she'll give up the thought of you and start healing."
"Couldn't you tell her? Pass the message from me? You're her best friend, who better to tell her?"
She showed the first emotion of the conversation. "You, Jack! You should tell her to her face. It's only right."
"If we'd been a couple, or if I'd made promises to her, yes, then it'd be the right thing to do. But I really don't see where I have any obligation to her."
She looked me in the eyes. "Jack, whatever's happening to you now...well, I have to believe you're decent and considerate at heart. It'd be the charitable thing to do. Jack, I'm asking you nicely...no, I'm begging you. Please do this. Please."
I thought about it for a bit. Yeah, heartbreak's no fun...not at all. If talking to her face to face would help her get over me, why not? "OK, I'll do it. When and where do you think would be best?"
She looked relieved. "I'll set it up and get back to you. Thanks, Jack. I've been taking care of her and worrying about her and I'm just about worn out. Thanks."
"I suppose it's the least I could do."
Karen came to the farm later that evening and asked if I could be at the Inn at nine the next morning. I agreed to the meeting and we parted, if not friends, at least civilly. When I saw Popuri a little later and told her why we couldn't meet as usual the next morning, she was more than a little uneasy.
"Jack, I don't trust Karen with stuff like this. She's working on something. Look at this!" She took a letter out of her dress. "I just got this today, it's from Kai - my ex boyfriend!" She started looking real tense. "Jack, last summer I thought I was in love with him. We made promises to each other...and then...uh..."
"It's all right, I already knew I wasn't your first. It doesn't matter to me."
She relaxed. "So then he went away in fall as he always does. We wrote each other, then in winter he stopped writing me. I was so hurt and lonely! But it all came out well - because then I was free for you when you got here." She looked cross again. "So then out of the blue he sends me this telling me he still loves me and hopes I'm waiting for him! I bet Karen put him up to this - I know she did! She wants you for Mary. That's what it is.
"He spends the whole winter down south playing on the beach with those thong bikini sluts, then thinks I'll fall right back into his arms when he says 'come here.' Pooh!" She tore the letter into bits and squeezed me tight. "Don't worry about Kai - I'm over him. I've grown up this spring, thanks to you. I used to like flashy guys like him, but now I know the strong, silent type like you is best!
"So that's why I don't like this thing with Mary tomorrow. I bet Karen's with her right now teaching her what to do to get you interested in her!"
"Pi, whatever it is, it won't work with me. No way Mary's gonna take me away from you. I do this one meeting and then it's over forever. I'll make it up to you tomorrow night. You know...that extra special thing you really like?"
She giggled. "I'll hold you to that!"
"Don't you always?"
The next morning I got to the Inn at nine on the dot. I've always been a stickler for punctuality. So, apparently, were Karen and Mary. They were already sitting together at a table far from the bar. I went over to them and we all exchanged empty politenesses. I sat down while Karen started over to the bar.
"I'll leave you two alone here now. I'll just park it over there at the bar - either of you want anything?" We both shook 'no.' "OK, if either of you need me for anything, just wave me over." She took her usual seat at the bar and called Doug over. "I know it's early, but it's started out a pretty rotten day. Would you be a pal and gimme a grape liquor?"
"Sure Karen, here you go."
As Karen started slugging down her wine, I turned my full attention to Mary. She looked terrible, as if she hadn't slept in days. She also looked as if she were trying very, very hard to maintain her composure. I wasn't very much at ease myself. Several times before, a lady and myself parted company through mutual consent, and I got dumped once. But I'd never had to brush off a woman in love with me before and didn't really know how to start.
"Um, Mary...you mind if I lead off here?"
She kept her blank, fixed expression. "Please do."
"Well, Karen has been telling me that...ah...you're rather fond of me." Stop stammering - just jump in and get it over with, fool. "Well, I'm flattered and you're very nice, but I'm committed to Popuri. I'm sure that you're going to find some wonderful man soon and you'll be very happy - but it can't be me. I'm sorry but that's just how it is."
She kept her controlled look. "Yes, I was expecting to hear something like that. Karen's been preparing me for it. It doesn't make it any easier, though. I thought we had something together, Jack. I really did."
"With all respect to you, I don't understand that. I really don't see where I told you - or even implied - that I thought of you as more than a friend. Is there something I'm missing here?"
"You don't remember that loving gaze we exchanged the first time you came to the library?" Now she showed some intensity. "Jack, you looked into my soul then. Don't tell me you didn't feel it also."
She was right, that had been a deep moment. I'd shoved it out of my mind the last few weeks. But it had just been a passing moment.
"Mary, that was just a glance. A matter of a few seconds."
"Jack, a few seconds can change lives forever!" She calmed down. "But you're doubtlessly sitting there thinking this silly, inexperienced girl fell in love with you at first sight. Well, that wasn't the first time we'd met."
"At the reception line at the funeral, then. But I was in a total daze then - I don't remember anyone but Thomas."
"Before that - remember Jack, you've been here before."
"Sure, my folks always brought me along when they came to visit Grandpa. But we always stayed at Erehwon - Dad didn't like to socialize with the villagers. I don't think they liked each other very much. But I don't believe we met then - I'm sure I never went into town on my own. If you saw me when we walked from the dock to Erehwon and back..."
"Jack, think back! You spent a whole summer here when you were seven."
"That's right, I did."
"And you spent a lot of time up in the mountain with a little girl your age. You and her became inseparable."
I thought back to those times. "Yes, I do kind of remember having a friend then..."
"Jack, that little girl - that was me! We spent so much time together. We shared our thoughts and dreams. Our souls bonded that summer. You said you'd come back for me and that then we'd never be apart again. You promised me!"
Now I was actively concerned - nay, frightened. This strange withdrawn girl hadn't been obsessing over me for weeks - it'd been years!
"Uh...Mary...I'm very sorry, but I hardly remember those times. After all, we were only seven. That was sixteen years ago!"
She was vehement. "It was like yesterday to me! All these years, I've waited for you. I've dreamed for sixteen years of you coming back and then us being together forever. And now that you have come back, it's turned into a nightmare!
"You say you're committed to Popuri. Committed. Just what does that mean?"
"We've made promises to each other."
"Promises. Like you once made a promise to me. I can't possibly imagine what you see in that childish, ignorant girl - except sex." She glared at me. "You and her are lovers, aren't you?"
"Uh..."
"Jack, I of all people have a right to know! Are you and her sleeping together?"
"Yes, since the night of the festival."
"All right. Now we're getting somewhere. Jack, she's all wrong for you; she would never be able to love you like I do. She's far too shallow for that. But she holds you because she gives you something you need."
She looked as if she was struggling with something inside herself, then she got a determined expression on her face. "Well, I could never compete with her looks or figure - but Jack, I am a woman...in every way!
"If you leave her for me - to try and love me the way I love you - you'll lose nothing in the process. If you agree to this, then I'll give myself to you - freely and completely without reservation. Starting today, if you like. This very hour. If you'll only try to love me like I love you."
Finally, I could see what Karen had been dealing with for the last while. There was a definite glint of madness in her eyes. She went on in a curiously abstracted tone.
"Jack, I may be completely inexperienced in practice, but I believe I am quite knowledgeable in the matter. I am, after all, very well read. Do you realize that modern literature is completely unrestrained in subject matter and manner of expression? I believe that there is no area of human sexual expression that is unfamiliar to me - in theory. And I will withhold no form of expression that you desire. So, do you want me?"
All I wanted now was to be away from her and this place! "Mary...even if I did leave Popuri for you...to start in such a way would be so out of character for you. It would be so cheap and tawdry."
"And what you're doing with her isn't?"
I felt that I had to bring this to a close, or I would soon be sharing her madness. "Mary, it's quite impossible. I am committed to Popuri. We can't be together. I'm sorry, but we just can't."
We sat there and looked at each other for a while, then she seemed to come back to herself.
"Very well, Jack. I can't see where I can do anything else. You seem completely determined to continue your current course of action. I don't understand it, but I'm helpless to change it."
"What are you going to do now, Mary?"
"Go back to the library and open up like every day. It's just about ten, after all." She got a little of her old wry expression back. "You know, this has been so much like a scene out of one of the modern novels - a couple having a cool, sophisticated conversation about relationships. I had just never imagined myself taking part in one. I don't feel cool and sophisticated. I feel like screaming and throwing things. But I won't - that really would be out of character for me. Do you have anything else to say?"
I shook my head 'no' and she motioned Karen over to our table. When Karen came, she scanned briefly over our faces without saying a word and gave me a look of plain dislike. She took Mary by the arm and led her out of the Inn. I waited a few minutes for them to be clear, then got up and went back to Erehwon.
That evening, when Popuri and I met, I told her of the conversation. Well, most of it - I censored the part about Mary's offer to me. The story brought out her big-heartedness, she was crying for Mary all the way through my telling of it.
"Oh Jack, the poor thing! Imagine, having a secret love for all that time, only to be disappointed in the end. No wonder she's always been so quiet and withdrawn. I feel so sorry for her - if it could only have been anyone but you."
After that, neither of us felt passionate. We just held each other for a while - her crying over there being such sadness in the world. Who knows, I might have even shed a tear or two myself.
